By Ger Molloy – The Irish Channel
Delayed for the 16th Time !
Dublin, Ireland – In a shocking development that will surprise absolutely no one familiar with the construction of the National Children’s Hospital (NCH), the project has, for the sixteenth recorded time, failed to meet its projected opening date. What began as a mere building has transmogrified into a perpetual monument to modern Irish bureaucracy, now standing as a glittering, yet stubbornly inaccessible, testament to the phrase “close, but no cigar.”
Is Vladimir Putin is behind it all?
Initially slated to open its doors sometime before the dinosaurs returned, then perhaps alongside the completion of the Great Pyramid of Giza, the NCH is now vaguely aiming for a grand unveiling sometime around the heat death of the universe, or perhaps 2026, whichever comes first. And as the patience of the nation wears thinner than a politician’s promise, a new, utterly plausible, and undeniably convenient theory is starting to emerge from the upper echelons of government: Vladimir Putin is behind it all.
Yes, you heard that right. Forget flawed procurement processes, forget a client-contractor relationship resembling a particularly vicious episode of Succession, and certainly, let’s disregard any suggestion of a complete lack of oversight. The real reason little Aoife can’t get her tonsils out in a gleaming new facility is because a shadowy figure in the Kremlin, stroking a hairless cat, has decreed it so.
It’s part of his hybrid warfare strategy, obviously.”
“It’s quite clear when you connect the dots,” stated an anonymous, but incredibly confident, government spokesperson who wished to remain unnamed lest they be targeted by GRU agents disguised as Quantity Surveyors. “Who benefits from a perfectly functional, state-of-the-art children’s hospital not opening in a timely fashion? The answer, unequivocally, is Mr. Putin. It’s part of his hybrid warfare strategy, obviously.”
The theory, as articulated in hushed tones over expensive lattes in Leinster House, goes something like this: The constant stream of “change orders” for things like door handles, the precise shade of beige for the waiting room, or the exact calibration of the MRI machine, are not genuine architectural adjustments. Oh no. They are highly sophisticated, micro-targeted cyberattacks disguised as bureaucratic paperwork. Each delay, each cost overrun, each missed deadline is a finely tuned instrument of destabilisation, designed to erode public trust in Western democracies – starting with Ireland’s ability to build a blooming hospital.
“Think about it,” our source continued, lowering their voice conspiratorially. “Sixteen delays. Six. Teen. Is that not precisely the number of times a nefarious foreign actor would want to postpone something just to psychologically torment a small, neutral nation? It’s not incompetence; it’s psychological warfare on a grand scale! They know we’re a nation of begrudgers; they’re playing on our weaknesses!”
While some cynics might point to the fact that similar sagas of monumental public project mismanagement have graced these shores long before anyone had even heard of Sputnik, let alone the idea of interfering with an Irish hospital build, these voices are being rapidly dismissed. “Alternative facts,” scoffed the spokesperson. “Clearly Russian disinformation planted to distract from the true saboteur.”
So, as the National Children’s Hospital remains a gleaming, empty shell, a monument to administrative inertia and contractual quibbles, we can all sleep soundly knowing the Irish government has found someone to blame. It’s not us; it’s him.
Now, if only someone would tell Putin to stop interfering , perhaps we could finally get this thing open. Just don’t hold your breath.